I tried to arrange a show at an established small venue in London. They tried to charge me £150 to play a small show, plus £500 of drinks at the bar. In other words, if they made £100 at the bar, I would have to pay the other £400. It would take a £650 risk to play this gig at a small venue. I try to get by, food, transport and stuff, on around £400 a month. I made approximately £47 last month through digital music sales.

I was told by another musician that they were invited to play for quite a bit less than this only a few weeks ago. I can’t help but feel, therefore, that I somehow didn’t make the artistic credentials to warrant an existence, according to this person. This kind of thing, you know, hurts so much. It does. I feel terrible. I feel totally worthless. Maybe I can go back to 2004 and never pursue anything. Except I can’t. I’m stuck in it. Its hard enough to apply to anything. The Charles Darwin of the modern world. Mr. Fucking Baudelaire.

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